So there I was, inebriated beyond belief, wandering through the first party of my second semester of college. Much of this night was a hazy but the following events will be forever etched in my memory.
It’s about 12:30 and I stumbled around searching for stragglers; the logical progression for any 19 year old. The reason for my current situation was a day focused on hanging with the bros, reuniting with old flames, and all the while consuming anything but moderate amounts of Natty Light and Captain Morgan. This proves to be another instance where slurred speech and empty promises didn’t do the trick, so while waiting to use the restroom and making a final sweep of the place, yours truly decided that it was time to make the journey back to the safety and security of his dormitory. Being reckless, full of cheer, and passing out high fives like Queen Mary passing out alms to the poor, I made my way to the street.
Now when you walk out a door most people like to look and see where this journey is going, not I. After missing the steps while shouting some inside joke laden with profanity, I attempted to catch my balance. Oddly enough, following a three second display of drunken athleticism I wind up with a mouthful of the sidewalk. Sure, this was probably very funny for the few that had witnessed the fall, but shamed I fly off the ground so hard in an attempt to redeem myself, that I lose my balance yet again and bite the curb. As I lay there I collect my thoughts, pull myself up, and hear what can only be described as some type of authoritative command.
Wow, this really sucks I thinks as I turn to see two police officers stopped, motioning me to come closer like some creepy guy driving a white van without windows. Unsure of the exact dialogue that took place in the following moments I found myself with my hands on the hood, digging my hole deeper by expressing my heartfelt distaste for the gentlemen writing me citations. I then ask the one officer who was particularly annoyed if I could go inside and use the restroom since it seemed to be taking awhile to inconvenience me with a ticket. This evoked another series of authoritative shouts commanding me to shut the hell up and keep my hands on the hood.
What happened next is what any real man in my situation would have done. As I sneakily whip it out and proceed to urinate all over the police cruiser I let out a few chuckles that caught the officer’s attention. Another series of shouting and cursing ensue as I panic because I can’t stop mid flow. I again chuckle at the fact that I wish I had stage fright and zip my pants to the sounds of more citations. Thank God for good attorneys and remember when you have to wait in line to piss, do so. You might even meet a special someone and avoid a precarious situation such as this.
