Have you ever woken up confused and in a strange place?  Maybe for you it was in bed with a fat chick, or next to the cute boy from your English class.  On this particular occasion I came to, sprawled out on a chair next to a girl lying on the floor.  Quickly I remember where I’m at and begin to search for my clothes.  In the midst of clothing myself I hear yelling and a general ruckus from the second floor.  This is followed by my buddy Carlos’s calls for help.  As he muttered “DUUUUUDEE, DUUUUDDDEEE, come quick I need your help” I couldn’t help but laugh and admire the great rack in front of me as the young lady rose from slumber by the chair. 

    Walking up the steps I recalled what I remembered as an excellent night.  To fill you in, Carlos had rented a house the summer after our freshman year of college.  This house was a shithole, but more than satisfactory for binge drinking and partying.  This particular party highlights included Carlos handing me a box of rubbers and letting me entertain the young lady from the floor in his roommate’s room.  This went well until his roommate came home and interrupted mid-hump.  Shortly thereafter I had everyone involved in games of strip-cup.  This is beer pong with the loss of clothing accompanying the loss of cups.  Try it, its spectacular.  The rest of the night could be summed up as your typical party ending scenario.  Girls start to leave, dudes do keg stands, and then dudes without chicks leave. 

    So as I make my way to Carlos’s room, wondering what could be of such paramount concern at a hung-over 8 o’clock in the morning, I notice a terrible odor.  Carlos is still pleading for help but I was stopped dead in my tracks by the awful stench pouring from the room.  I immediately run to the downstairs bathroom and grab a can of Lysol sitting on the toilet.  As I pass by the young lady in the living room I notice a look of concern on her face and begin to plot how to get out of this one, after my less than great first impression the night before.  My thoughts are drown out by Carlos shrieking that he cannot find his glasses and I begin to laugh uncontrollably.  Carlos is literally blind without his glasses, thus why he was yelling for help.  About to piss my pants I spray my way into the room with the Lysol and realize that the awful smell in the room is none other than human feces.  I try to help Carlos but the more I would laugh the more I breathe in the shit smell so I had to run in and out of the room while he scrambled to find his spectacles and escape the shit.  All this time our friend Slick Rick was passed out on the floor in Carlos’s room.  I kick him and he gets pissed, and then gets really confused when he is gagged by the odor in the room.  Slick helps Carlos find his glasses as I retreat downstairs. 

    Apparently good ol’ Carlos had taken a young lady to his room in hopes of getting lucky.  He tells us that Slick was passed out on the floor as he entered the room but being such a classy broad, the young women did not mind.  The last memory Carlos had was putting it in her pooper then sometime later falling asleep.  I’m sure you can make your own assumptions as to what had happened and why there was shit covering his sheets.  Late for work I skip the damage control step and jet out the door without speaking to the young miss I fornicated with the night before.  I later learned she was very helpful and gave Carlos a ride to the local Laundromat, she sounded like a keeper.  The shit queen still declines to comment on the matter.