Traffic sucked on the way to our friend’s wedding so everybody was pissed off as usually.  By the time we got to the hotel and checked-in we only had a half hour to get shitty.  I was still on my first beer when security knocked on the door saying this was our one warning and if he had to come back we were out.  They might as well have given us that warning when I was checking-in and saved us both some time.  This was bad news bears for me because I left my girlfriend behind so I could ride down with my friends and get to the hotel sooner to pregame. What am I supposed to tell her if we get evicted before she even gets here?  I drank more and let the pieces fall where they may.

The reception was nice.  It had an open bar which we dominated like Takeru Kobayashi at an all you can eat buffet.  We didn’t leave the bar until they literally wheeled it out of the room.  Afterwards, some of us went to the hotel bar to continue the party while the rest of the crew went crashing other receptions.  They must have found one with a casino theme because there was paper money all over the place.  A little bit later on, one of my friends rolled into the hotel bar in a wheelchair…

No, he wasn’t injured…just drunk.  I wheeled him to the elevator so we could go pound some more beers back in the room.  When I slid my keycard in the slot the light turned green but the door wouldn’t open.  I tried a couple more times but no luck.  Confused out of our minds, we had no choice but to call our good friends, hotel security, to come check out the scene.  They sent up one of their best guys and when he arrived he explained to us what we were too drunk to figure out.  Somebody had put the deadbolt on from the other side of the door.  I told him that was impossible because nobody had been in there all night.  He tried to explain to me again that you can’t put the deadbolt on unless you’re inside of the room, but I was having no part of his explanation.  While I was arguing the science of the deadbolt, my buddy was carrying on from the wheelchair.  He thought he was Warren from “There’s something about Mary.”  All he kept screaming was, “WHERE’S MY BASEBALL!?  WHERE’S MY BASEBALL!?  WHERE’S MY BASEBALL!?” I quickly decided that it was in my best interest to take advantage of my friend’s drunken stupor.  I kept repeating to him in a soft, parental father-figure kind of voice, “Its okay Joe, we’ll find your baseball.  Calm down…everything’s going be okay.  We’ll find your baseball.  Don’t worry little buddy.”  The security guard watched this scene go on for the next minute or so and what happened next was unbelievable.  I watched his face go from angry to apologetic.  The poor bastard actually felt bad for us.  He grabbed his flashlight from his security guard tool belt and popped open the deadbolt from outside the door.  He said if we needed anything else just find him. 

Turned out our buddy was passed out inside and didn't remember locking the door.  I guess the security guard was right after all.

-Anonymous